Frustration, Without Frustration

Here I am, trying to make myself mad, finding frustration, without frustration, a man fighting death. I just don't understand, some thing, keeps me from invoking my own anger. It is a barrier in my mind, when I'm happy I can't get mad, no matter how much effort I put forth. Why is it there? What purpose does it serve? I ask myself these questions often. It makes my brain scream at me, this forced frustration. My mind wanders, aimlessly, never towards anger, frustration takes over. Not a frustration that invokes anger. Instead a frustration that makes me laugh hysterically, a man on laughing gas, or a man who has been trapped alone in a cell for many years on end.. People have told me the most horrible things during this, probably not far from the truth, but all I get is a laughing fit. I stare at them for a minute, trying so hard, mind clawing for some other thought, something serious. Pulling with all its might, my mind works so hard, 'restrain the laughter, it's not funny' I tell myself, brain whispering it to my facial muscles. A smile cracking my lips is the beginning, the crack is the end. From there my body has begun its rampage, my laughter, earthquake through my body. Tremors run to every muscle in my body, from my toes to the ends in my hair. My body shakes violently, uncontrollably. It makes me so frustrated, during these times, no matter what thoughts come, my reaction is hysterical laughter. Someday, I will find a way to stop it, to control myself better. Until then, I suppose I have to deal with my hysterics, my frustration, without frustration.